I find it difficult to review this book. It is not because I am ambivalent about it; it is because this book is really having an impact on my life, my psyche, my point of view, my understandings of love, desire, intimacy, sex, and my self-conception. To review the book and do it justice would mean that I fully understood this impact, that I well understood where the changes that reading it has produced, is producing, are taking me. The truth is that I don't, not fully, yet. I only know that it is a scary ride, but one that has enabled me to find clarity on a large number of things or issues in myself which have, for the fifty-plus years I've been alive, frustrated me, confused me, and thwarted my development and fulfillment.
Reading it has been a time-intensive task. It has taken me more than a month. Usually, I can digest a book this size in two or three days, or about a week or so, if its subject matter is more recondite. The issue is not that the book is hard to understand. It isn't. Dr. Schnarch is very clear and plainly written. Rather, it is hard to internalize, because it is crammed full of insights that cause one to think, hard. At least, it has inspired that reaction in me. Reading it, I found myself alternating between being unable to put it down, and unable to continue reading, because I simply had to stop and think about what I had just read and its implications on my life.
I have found resolutions to apparent paradoxes and contradictions that have been confounding me for years. I found answers to things that had been going on in my twelve year marriage, which ended in divorce eleven years ago. Running into wisdom like this makes me wish this book had been published twenty years earlier and that I had found it then. I'm not really sure that things would have turned out better for my ex and I, but we would have been wiser, calmer, and better able to deal with things, I think, had we had access to the ideas Schnarch presents. I have no doubt that things would have been different, and better in many ways.
Reading this has given me insights into things that have puzzled me in my dating life. Ironically and poignantly enough, it has enabled me to understand problems in my relationship with someone wonderful whom I met last year. She is the one who pointed me at this book, having read it herself some time ago. She hasn't spoken to me for a month and a half now, after a particularly rancorous fight that almost certainly could have been avoided, or at least handled way better, had I known then what I am learning now. I wish I had picked this book up when she first mentioned it to me, shortly after we began talking to one another, but I didn't. I know that if I get the opportunity, I will have a much better chance of repairing the damage done between us than I would have otherwise had if I hadn't read this book.
I can't see how anyone who picks this book up and considers its ideas seriously will not have their life altered by the thinking. It is one of the best investments in self-actualization that I have ever read, and I have read a few books on the topic.
Dr. Schnarch is very clear in explaining the concepts he has developed in his years of helping people. The book is populated with examples of people he has helped in going through relationship problems in their marriage, and these examples illuminate the concepts he is teaching quite elegantly. The reader can see the principles in action, and what's more, can appreciate how Schnarch's ideas are helping his clients to find themselves and hold onto themselves, and thus be able to pursue a better relationship with one another. Holding onto oneself in the face of growing intimacy with one's partner is one of the central ideas in the book. The author calls this process differentiation.
The author makes no guarantees. This is not a book enumerating "better communication skills." It is the author's contention that people in intimate relationships communicate quite well -- they just may not like what they are saying to one another. The book is also not a primer of "do's and don't's" or proper "relationship etiquette." It does not tell one with whom one should be or how to analyze one's prospects. It does tell the reader about the importance of finding and holding onto himself or herself while in a relationship and the author states that being in a committed relationship is one of the best ways to experience the impetus to grow as a person, if the challenges are handled correctly, with the proper understanding. Conversely, while the author is quite clear about what he believes are the spiritual implications of his ideas, he is not a mystic, and this is not a book of sentimental hoo-doo and platitudes. The author is showing people how to change their lives, and in the process, become capable of sustaining deeper and more fulfilling intimate connections with a partner. It is not your average "marriage advice," or "couples therapy" book. It is a radically different paradigm, but one that I have found capable of leading the reader to really deep and useful insights. If people in a relationship were to pick this book up and consider what it has to say, whether their relationship was beset with problems significant enough to call into question the viability of the relationship or not, it would definitely change things for them. A reader could obtain benefit for his or her life even if he or she were not presently involved in an intimate relationship. The book is ultimately about how one deals with oneself. Exposure to these ideas changes one's fundamental understandings, if the reader is open.
Loading your book clubs
There was a problem loading your book clubs. Please try again.
Not in a club? Learn more
Join or create book clubs
Choose books together
Track your books
Bring your club to Amazon Book Clubs, start a new book club and invite your friends to join, or find a club that’s right for you for free.
Download the free Kindle app and start reading Kindle books instantly on your smartphone, tablet, or computer - no Kindle device required.
Read instantly on your browser with Kindle for Web.
Using your mobile phone camera - scan the code below and download the Kindle app.
Frequently bought together
$6.99
Get it May 3 - 6
Only 7 left in stock - order soon.
Total price:
To see our price, add these items to your cart.
Choose items to buy together.
Similar items that may ship from close to you
Page 1 of 1 Start overPage 1 of 1
About the author
Follow authors to get new release updates, plus improved recommendations.
Top reviews from other countries
R2D2
Should be compulsory reading for every married couple and marriage therapist
Reviewed in India on October 10, 2023
Carla
A "Must-Read" for ANY relationship, married or not.
Reviewed in Australia on January 19, 2018Wilma James
blows all other sex and marriage books out of the water
Reviewed in Germany on April 12, 2015